What I know about depression

Summarized from years of experience, counseling and reading about depression. Hope it can help someone. 

1. To admit “I had depression” still needs courage in our society but it’s even much much harder to say “I am suffering depression now, help me!”
2. Depression is not feeling sad, but feeling numb and lack of motivation and strength to do the simplest things in everyday life. Even breathing is a big effort.
3. It’s very difficult to detect early phase of depression from outside, because depressed people usually try to behave normal. They fake reactions as what they should be, not as what they really feel.
4. Depression usually goes with anxiety. Being unable to take the responsibilities in work and life makes them anxious, feeling guilty to others. And anxiety to an unbearable level can deprive the strength further, which makes all these a vicious cycle.
5. Depression is a desease, both psychological and physical. It can be useless or even counteractive trying to deal with it all by yourself or only with the help of the untrained people. Medication is not always necessary, but you need at least a trained therapist to assess and deal with it.
6. Depression is the “cancer” in mentality. Sometimes it’s difficult to distinguish it from normal mood swings just like it’s difficult to distinguish some cancer from benign tumors. They both have complicated causes yet to be understood. Both causes other complications. For them, “curation” is not a guarantee because they both tend to relapse.
7. Relapse of depression is somehow unpredictable because it often does not happen at the most difficult situation, but at the point when things seem to turn out better. Each relapse tends to be worse because of the accumulated frustration and hopelessness. The good news is people who have experience with former depression can usually recognize it and make it treated earlier.
8. What’s worse about depression is that it attacks one’s “will power” directly, just like destroying the immune system of mentality. “Fighting depression” is unlike fighting any other deseases because there’s no strength left in the mind for “fighting” when you are in major depression.
9. Those people with depression end up with suicide not because (although they may have some of these thoughts) they think “This world is hopeless”, “Life is unbearable”, “No one loves me”, “I’ve lost everything” or all the thoughts that make an ordinary person sad, instead, it’s the thought of self-hatred, valuelessness, guilt and “there’s no other way out” that kills them. In this case, death is a seductive outlet for a complete relaxation.
10. In the worst situation, one may lie in the bed for the whole day with pure suicidal thoughts in the head. But it’s not the most dangerous moment because even suicide is too complicated a thing to do. When one gets a little more strength to move around and do things, that’s when those around should watch most closely because then he/she has the strength to kill himself/herself.
11. Depression can cause much physical and emotional burden to the family and friends around. All those who support their depressed family member or friend are great people. Give them a bow!

生日感言

今天满30岁，听起来像个很大的日子，似乎应该写点人生总结神马滴。

十年前上新东方的时候老罗说过一句话：“如果你到了30岁还敢说自己是一个理想主义者，我就服了你。”我一直记着这句话，一直想着这太容易了，到了30肯定理所当然的还是个理想主义者。

不过现在我什么都不想说了。我不知道我还算不算真正的理想主义者。虽然我没有变世俗，没有变犬儒，但理想主义需要的理想和激情，都不如从前了。感觉自己没有变得世故，但也消磨掉了不少的锐气，而只是保持了十年前的天真。当然，相比起世故，我宁愿选择天真。如果有什么需要感谢人生的，其中一条就是我到现在还保持着这份天真吧。

妈妈今天祝我生日快乐，说希望我“大器晚成”。简直让人哭笑不得。她所谓的“成器”，不外乎就是有份好的工作，结婚生子。如果一个世俗的基本生活方式都能叫“成器”的话，那这个“器”未免也太低贱了。我现在当然没有成器，但我不觉得大多数人比我好，尤其是在我父母旁边那些人。我不是看不起他们，但我也从来不羡慕他们，我只是选择了一条跟他们不同的路，各自有不同的价值标准，完全不具可比性。我从小就没有想象过像他们那样去生活，选择这条路可能的失败我也预想过，但我不后悔，一条路走得失败并不等于人生失败。我唯一不安的，是天朝的传统一向只尊崇一种成功标准，与之不同的方式就只能叫失败。所以在我妈妈眼里，我是一个失败者，一个不成器的人。真是难为父母了，想我小时候那么让他们自豪，现在倒给他们丢脸了，让他们担忧了。可是要怪也只怪他们和身边的熟人们谬赞了我，把我想象得太乖，我可从来没向他们许过成家赚钱当官之类的愿。我注定达不到他们想要的标准。

近乎钻牛角地坚持了这么多年，现在几乎完全是从头开始。不过我不认为我浪费了青春。这些年经历的事、认识的人、学到的东西，样样都刻骨铭心，都是我人生不可缺少的一部分。就算对将来养活自己没什么用，又有什么关系呢？人为什么非要为一个未来的目的去活，而不是为现在而活呢？为什么总要有一个功利的目的，而不是把学一些无用的学问，经历一些如烟的往事当成目的呢？这些年，追逐过梦想，也作过死，领略过常人难以触及的美，也曾疯狂地不务正业，有过难得而独特的快乐，也有这辈子最巨大的悲痛……我真真实实感受过这样的人生，在最艰难的时候抑郁过，绝望过，但幸运的是我最终走了出来，再抬头看这天地，人生反而变得更加纯粹。

我必须感谢一个人。没有他，我至今不知道会是什么样，甚至不知道能不能走到今天。当你在现实中有幸遇到了一个曾经只在传说八卦中听说过，甚至都怀疑是否真的可能存在的那样完美的人之后，一切都会不同。而短暂相遇之后的永远失去，注定会彻底改变你的一生。
他已经把一部分力量永远注入了我的内心，我的生命从此有了更多的意义。当你明白，没有什么事会比你经历过的生离死别更糟糕的时候，你也就无所畏惧；当你想到，你要继续为他而活，延续他对生命和梦想的挚爱的时候，你的人生就会充满动力；更重要的是，他用生命教会了你什么是梦想和激情、什么是坚强和勇敢，什么是理智和大爱，什么是纯粹的人性──那才是真正的“理想主义”。

十年前，我觉得我是十分幸运的人，因为我有梦想和激情。后来我曾怀疑过自己是不是被老天捉弄了。但现在，我想我还是幸运的，因为我所经历过的每一刻都值得我用心去感受，用一生去回忆，无论是甜还是苦，能做到这样，也就值了。

“享受生活吧, Phiphy, 享受每一分钟。因为人生是如此如此美丽，给与这么多却索取这么少。。。”

这是他给我最后的留言之一，也是我今后要做的全部事情。

I let you go, but it hurts…

This is a poem for all of us. I was like Alice in the wonderland for two years. I have had the most particular adventure in my life. Thank you for giving me all of the laughs and tears, the sensations and passions, that I will remember for my whole life. When it comes to a dramatical ending that no one expected, we have to accept it, to let go. But you know what hurts most? It’s exactly this line in the movie “Life of Pi”:

“I suppose in the end, the whole of life becomes an act of letting go, but what always hurts the most is not taking a moment to say goodbye.”

Os echo de menos tanto…. Vais a volver a mi vida de nuevo? Voy a esperaros para siempre.

—————————————————————

Reason, Season, Lifetime

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. When you figure out which one it is, you will know what to do for each person.

When someone is in your life for a REASON,
it is usually to meet a need you have expressed.
They have come to assist you through a difficulty;
to provide you with guidance and support;
to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually.
They may seem like a godsend, and they are.
They are there for the reason you need them to be.

Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time,
this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.
Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.
What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done.
The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON,
because your turn has come to share, grow or learn.
They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.
Believe it. It is real. But only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons;
things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.
Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person,
and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.
It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

Thank you for being a part of my life,
whether you were a reason, a season or a lifetime.

— A poem by Brian Andrew “Drew” Chalker

七年前写的一首诗

记住我

记住我，

但不要记住我的名字

我的面容，或我的声音

 

记住

在茫茫人海中

有一双凝视你的眼睛

记住

在世界某个角落

有一颗祝福你的心

 

当你推开窗扉

我是一缕细柔的晨风

从你脸旁轻轻抚过

当你驻足秋林

我是一片纤薄的枫叶

从你头顶缓缓飘落

当你漫步长街

我是一盏昏黄的路灯

在你身后投下淡淡的影

当你仰望夜空

我是一颗微渺的星辰

在你视界边缘默默闪烁

 

或许，你从未察觉

或许，你从未在意

无数人与你擦肩而过

我只是其中之一

 

我将带走我的一切

甚至我模糊的背影

只在你的身旁留下

一丝眷念的气息

 

希望你能记住我

但请你忘掉吧

我的名字，我的面容

和我的声音

 

听到这首歌就让我想起了这首诗。这是我现在的心境。

 

[原创翻译]鹊桥仙

鹊桥仙

（宋）秦观

纤云弄巧，飞星传恨，银汉迢迢暗度。金风玉露一相逢，便胜却人间无数。

柔情似水，佳期如梦，忍顾鹊桥归路！两情若是久长时，又岂在朝朝暮暮！

Fairy on the Magpie Bridge

Written by Qin Guan（Song dynasty)
Translated by Phiphy

Delicate clouds woven into fine satins
Shooting stars conveying lovesickness
The long long Milky Way crossed
The Cowherd and the Maid secretly meet

The jady dew
The golden breeze
Reunite in the autumn’s sky
Outshining countless joys on earth

Tender love flowing like water
Happy moments as illusory as dreams
How unbearable it is
When they have to take the magpie bridge
Separately homewards

If the love between the two
Forever lasts
It shall withstand the time apart
Days and nights

Always follow your heart

当某样东西让你激动得热泪盈眶让你内心汹涌澎湃时，它其实是和你内心的一部分发生了重叠，产生了共鸣。当我看到乔布斯的斯坦福演讲时，就是这个感觉。他所说的每一个字，仿佛都同时从我内心深处迸发出来，仿佛都是我曾经想过说过的话。

是的，就在昨天，我又说了类似的话。跟以往一样，我再次和我妈争论起来──为了那个我们几乎不可能有共同语言的话题──我究竟要什么样的人生。她永远都是那个观点，从我很小的时候就跟我唠叨：“我们必须面对现实。我们不能改变环境，只能改变自己适应环境。”这是我永远也无法认同的观点。在她眼里，我就是一个不切实际的理想主义者，或许在很多人眼里，我都是这样，特别是当我现在身处困境，前途渺茫时，她周围熟人的子女个个都有了工作，结婚生子，在她看来，跟他们提起我的现状甚至是一件丢脸的事。呵，我又何尝不能理解父母的心境？曾经总是拔尖听话的乖孩子，考上北大，出国留学，多少人对他们羡慕嫉妒恨，但现在，我迟迟不能毕业，没有工作，也没结婚，用他们的价值观评价简直就是一无是处，也因此让他们在朋友面前失掉了昔日的颜面。那种失落感，我可以理解。

可惜，他们所在乎的东西在我看来毫无价值，而我在乎的东西他们也无法理解好在哪里。如果说不能满足父母寄托在我身上的愿望是一种不孝的话，这个不孝子估计我是做定了。但是，难道我要牺牲自己的一生去满足他们连自己都不确定，仅仅是靠周围人羡慕的眼光来决定的虚荣心吗？这简直是荒谬。

于是，我对我妈说：“乔布斯说，人活着就是为了改变世界。” 她用一种“痴人说梦”的语气回应我：“世界上又有几个乔布斯噢？”尽管她对乔布斯的了解仅仅只有“去世的苹果公司总裁”这句话。我知道她是好心，她想保护我，不想让我去天真地面对这个社会，撞得头破血流。不仅仅是她，还有我身边的很多人，都为了“保护”我，不惜做个观念的牢笼把我关起来。

于是我一直在挣扎。我一直憧憬着我想要的那种生存状态，我也一次次地找到过那种感觉，但总有一些莫名其妙的束缚，在我想要纵情飞翔的时候把我扯回地面。“要现实一点！”他们总是这样对我说。于是这几年来，我不知道为什么多了这么多顾虑，无论是与人交流还是做任何事情都变得犹犹豫豫畏首畏脚，也渐渐地失去了自信，变得被动甚至懒惰，不知道自己究竟能做什么。

这不是真实的我，真的不是！我最自然的处事态度，其实是很大胆，甚至不计较后果的。我的动力只来自于我的热情，我的方向大多来自于我的直觉。而现在，我的热情都不知所踪，我的直觉都被自己习惯性地否定，每件事情做起来都让我感到没处发力。因为总有人告诫我要“现实”，于是我就在这种“现实”中失去了自我。

回国的时候，我很明白地告诉自己：你回国的任务就是要找回曾经的激情。现在我更清楚，我需要找回那个真实的自己。那个真实的自己是什么样的？就跟乔布斯说的很像，我自己很清楚。哪怕有人认为我疯了，也让我重新做回那个疯子吧。

Steve Jobs’ 2005 Stanford Commencement Address

我把他演讲的精华选取一部分摘抄在下面。我就是这样的人。

“You can’t connect the dots looking forward. You can only connect them looking backward. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something: your gut, destiny, life, karma… whatever. Because believing that the dots will connect down the road will give you the confidence to follow your heart, even if it leads you off the well worn path, and that will make all the difference. ”
特别喜欢这段话，特别是最后这句，让我再次想起The Road Not Taken这首诗。小到做科研的选题，大到做任何事情，当我们现在做出选择的时候，或许并不清楚它以后会有什么“用”，但是，它能让我心甘情愿地付出，能让我成长，这就够了。要相信总有一天，它们都会是人生的财富。功利心，不需要。

“The heaviness of being successful was replaced by the lightness of being a beginner again. ”
这是乔布斯在讲到他被苹果辞退时说的话。失去也是一种获得。塞翁失马，焉知非福。这种东方智慧他很懂。

“You’ve got to find what you love, and that is as true for work as it is for your lovers. The only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work, and the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven’t found it yet, keep looking, and don’t settle. As it all matters of the heart, you will know when you find it, and like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as years go along. So keep looking, don’t settle. ”
一定要找到自己的真爱，对事对人都是如此。宁缺毋滥，宁愿一直漂泊寻找也不要找一个不喜欢的凑合。这也是我跟我妈最大的分歧所在。我会一直寻找，不到属于自己的港湾不会靠岸。

“Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There’s no reason not to follow your heart. ”
没有可失去的，就没有可恐惧的。Nothing to lose, nothing to fear. 我曾经是那么坚持这样的信条。能来这世上本来就是一种额外的幸运和恩惠，没有什么是真正属于我的，也没有什么是不可以失去的，终归到底一切都将化为尘土。我还在顾虑什么呢？

“Death is very likely the single best invention of life. It’s life’s change agent. It clears up the old to make way for the new. Right now the new is you, but someday not too long from now, you’ll gradually become the old and be cleared away. ”
曾经有人问我，作为一个无神论者，是不是一定会惧怕死亡？我回答：不一定。当你认识到整个宇宙的规律，认识到这个世界的演化，认识到你自己不过是世界演变进化中小小的一环，你就会发现，你的死其实也是一种生，是这整个新陈代谢过程中一个自然而必要的环节，尽管你会不舍，但至少你就不会因为死而感到悲哀了。

“Your time is limited, so don’t waste it by living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma which is living with the result of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary. ”
为自己而活，不是为别人而活。我不是要追逐名利，我不是要创造历史，我只要追求自我的超越，追求我自己的想要的真理和自由。其他都是次要的，哪怕我能拥有金钱名利地位，也只是一种副产品。

“Stay hungry, stay foolish. ”
永远不要丢掉追求自己理想的激情，永远不要为了适应环境去改变真实的自我，学会那些所谓的“成熟”。

我又想起了3 idiots里的一句话，可以跟乔布斯的这些话放在一起：
Chase excellence and success will follow.

我的病根，就在于我一直在理想和所谓的现实之间摇摆。让我选择那个我自己都不知道怎么回事“现实”反而是不现实的，因为我不可避免地要永远摇摆下去，永远不得解脱。所以，我其实只有一条出路：选择理想，选择去大胆地做一切我想做的事，只有这样我才能找回激情，找回动力，找回人生。选择这样的路，很可能会“失败”，所谓“失败”，也就是理想不能实现。但如果不选择这样的路，实现理想的几率就是零。更何况，就算理想破灭，还有那追求过程中的快乐。你什么都不会失去，而是会得到很多，何乐而不为呢？

就这样。很高兴过了这么多年，我还是那么foolish。

The Road Not Taken

The Road Not Taken

by Robert Frost

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

————————————

十年来，这一直是我最喜欢的诗之一。

每一个分岔就是一次选择。这一个个小小的分岔织成一张网，就是无穷尽的宇宙森林。而一个人踏过的轨迹，就是他的人生。当我们走出一段距离再回首来路时，或许会感到些许遗憾。因为这些路径，一旦选择，就再不能回到起点，经历其它可能。可是，既然无论你如何选择，都意味着放弃，那又何必感到后悔呢？

我们回不到失去的过去，也望不见太远的未来，只有这一小段路径，一个简单的分岔，在我们脚下。这，是我们唯一需要关注的东西。一旦选定，就别再回头留恋，因为下一个分岔还在前面等着你。。。

一切有为法，如梦幻泡影， 如露亦如电，应作如是观。

Everything and every feeling,

comes from Karma with fate entangling,

illusive like dreams and bubbles,

transient like dews and lightning.

And this

is how we recognize them.

雨入花心，自成甘苦；水归器内，各显方圆。

Rain into flowers
tastes the flower’s taste
sweet or bitter

Water into containers
shapes the container’s shape
round or square

一年之后

今天，一年之后，我再次回到这里，写下这些话。

一切都没有改变。我还是那个我，矛盾而纠结的存在。

长时间的麻木，让我关闭了生活中的大部分门，也关闭了通向内心深处的那扇门，而只在最意想不到的地方，开启了唯一的一扇门。这扇门，成了我现在几乎唯一的快感和动力来源，而透过这扇门看到的自我，是那么的扭曲，不真实得可笑。。。

这扇门外，是一条逃避的路。走在这条路上，离我选择的目的地越来越远，也离我的内心越来越远。我漫无目的地走，不知道这条路要把我带向哪里，我只是难以割舍那种已经所剩无几的还愿意不断往前走的感觉。完全不受自己的控制，我走向了你，越走越近，越来越感兴趣，就像魔笛吸引着我的步伐。

然而，当我走到你的跟前，却突然发现，这是另一扇门，一扇通向我内心深处的门！

我激动得泪流满面。这已经不是第一次了，每当我走丢的时候，命运总是会把一条回家的路从天而降地扔到我的跟前。我难道不该心怀感激么？

可是为什么我的手在抖？为什么我的眉头紧皱？我在害怕，害怕这条逃避之路的终结，害怕它终结之后我会不知所措。

但是，走到这里，已经注定了这条路的终结。我已经回不去了──不，是我得回去了，回到我的真实内心，把自己熔化在那团火焰中。然后，重新开始。。。

这会是一个无止尽的循环么？那条能走出这个怪圈的路，究竟在何方？。。。。。。